moving forward

Assalammualaikum..

it's been a while since i last updated this thing. had been busy with work, and some more limited internet connections. so anyway, nothing much, it's just that it has been almost 2 months i'm in this place and things are still fine, Alhamdulillah. i like that things are less hectic than before, but at times i missed my old place. hehe. well, biasa la tu, bile dah takde baru terpikir2. i remembered last time when things were hard i cant wait to finish my housemanship and leave the hospital. Now, not that i missed it that much, most probably i missed how things other than work are easier since i live at home. Over the weekend i can attend islamic courses and dont have to think how to manage my time travelling back and forth. But of course, there are good things behind all this. I pray Allah will always make things easy for me. Ameen. Anyway not much to write coz other than work i didnt do much. Again, i am tested with the issues i am struggling most, I hope I will not fall into Shaytan's traps again and again. I seek refugee in Allah. And i am reminding myself, to make my job as a mean to get to close to You, ya Allah. Ameen~

merdeka day

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

it's merdeka! haha. not that i celebrate it that much. just that i'm giving myself my own freedom..to choose and to live and to decide. anyway, i'm taking a break for a day because i need to settle a few things on my own. living in a new place with a new environment, it's difficult. but alhamdulillah, even though my family is not around there are a lot of familiar faces i've seen here :) and after 4 days here, the people are nicer and friendly too. hopefully my first impression wont change after some time. i wonder how long i'm gonna stay, for sure i want to stay longer than 6 months. i don't intend to go back so quickly, since i'm here might as well i grab all the knowledge and skills and to go back with confidence. yeah. :P so far things are okay, i seriously have no idea how the future gonna be but i hope by 2 months i'm well adapt with the system and environment. making new friends, finding my own place to stay and so on. it's quite difficult to change to a new working place, but alhamdulillah, since now i've experience it, i would know what to expect in the future if i have to transfer out again. i thought i was having a bad day yesterday until i remember sh waleed said "Allah s.w.t create things either more good than bad or 100% good". even things appear bad there are actually good in it. Allah has the knowledge and wisdom behind all this. so, don't give up ok. keep moving forward. doesn't matter what others think of you, we just met not more than a week, they can't judge me based on my first few days here. as long as i show improvement and interest, inshaAllah things will improve. and one more thing i'm lacking- confidence! huhu. that's always been my biggest problem but i pray Allah will guide me. and also need to polish my interpersonal skills. kahkah. it's not just a new environment, but the people that i have to mix with also change sociodermographically. haha. i'm so comfortable with people my own age or younger than me, so now it's time for me to learn to mix with the opposite group. if its tough, well, nothing is easy in this world. if we struggle and have patience, inshaAllah there'll be reward, as long as i'm sincere and always be in the remembrance of Allah. ameen. i made this choice and i don't want tp have any regrets at all, so i'm putting my full trust in Allah.  i hope my job will not make me away from You, but make it as a means to get closer to you, my Rabb. Ameen :)

back to nature

Eid Mubarak everyone!

Alhamdulillah..it's actually 2nd day of Syawal, only manage to write something today. Not that we were so busy yesterday, just..cant think of anything to write. Anyway, raya is just like usual, but of course, this year is a lot more meaningful. Why? Well, because....it's the only time I got long leave after start working, haha! Not sure whether this kind of opportunity will come again, maybe not until I retired. Really, I'm thankful. Last 2 years, for sure by 2nd day of Syawal I had to go to work. I still remembered, the 1st year I was put oncall on 2nd day. And it was not that good either- red zone call as surgical houseman. I can remember all the details, haha, especially what happened towards the end. The beginning was ok, but after 24 hours working things don't become that great. But it's okay, it was in the past and I learned something valuable also. ;) Then last year, because we weren't able to get unrecorded leave for raya, I decided to come to work. At least don't have to do oncall, better :) I just came to do morning rounds which finished by 10 o'clock then went back home. Not bad isn't it? This year, of course, all Praise to Allah, I'm on leave 1 week before and after raya. Haha. Just the thing is, I have to start working at a new place. I'm totally nervous I feel like screaming, but thinking that many of my friends also have to go through the same thing, just be prepared for it. Period~

By the way, this also could be the year that everyone will be around. Next week I'll be far away in a new place, then just a few weeks later, inshaAllah, my sister will leave the country. So the coming year, most probably we have to spend Ramadhan on our own, by the Will of Allah, of course. I just pray that things will be easy for every one of us, Ameen. I have a few plans, or should I say, missions to accomplished till next Ramadhan. Nothing much, just some ways to keep myself consistent, and I really hope I'll be among the steadfast. As a human, it's normal to have a period where your emaan decrease, but I pray I will not go too far away from You, ya Allah. Worldly life is not that easy, with all the obstacles and struggles, but thinking of the Rewards in the Eternal Life, it's definitely worth it. So, let's try to be a better Muslim, inshaAllah. ^^ Fighting! ~

old memories and new life

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..

MasyaAllah, time flies so fast. in just a few days Ramadhan is going to end. I feel sad because there was time that I lost to dunya and got distracted, but above all I still feel Alhamdulillah, I was given the chance to fast longer than usual. Always look at the positive side. But of course, I pray Allah will forgive me for my sins and accept my dua. 

Anyway, another grateful note, I got my leave for Raya. So, basically I've been on leave just as much as I had work as a medical officer. Yes, alhamdulillah, completed my training. A new chapter with new challenges ++++ responsibilities now. And i made a choice which I have full trust in Allah, so I want to avoid any regrets. I seriously have no idea how things gonna be, so I will try my very best to work hard and learn more. But I hope I will be steadfast on this path and will not get carried away with my job and forgot the One who has the Power over everything, the One who owns the Knowledge of everything and also the One who has the Will on everything. I'm not gonna write anything about my job for now, because I have not started yet, just pray that things will be easy for me, Ameen.

I'm not sure whether I am going to make it to the Divine Link. We'll see how things goes.

Last night I was searching for my old notes that I came across my old autograph books, pictures, cards and letters. Yes, those were the days that we don't have internet and use letters as communications. At least I've given the chance to live in those time. hehe. I remembered last time internet and phone are not that important to me, but now it has become almost compulsory. The things that I checked first when I arrived at a new place is how good the 3G signal is. haha. how things changed. anyway, as i was reading back all the letters and cards, I was thinking was I the one who stopped writing? Most probably it was me, when I was in boarding school. I remember how distracted I was. Yes, I was not that well-behaved, em, not to say that I'm bad, just I think I was naughty and playful. Your past does not necessary makes you who you are today. That was the time of ignorance and I've gone through the process of addicted with chatting, feeling excited with knowing strangers over the internet and so on. Well, that's not the point that I want to write today, haha. So, looking back at those letters and cards, I feel regret that I was not as thoughtful as I wanted to. I think of my old friends, but somehow it just stopped there in me head, I didn't express it with my actions. thanks to the new technologies, now we are able to keep up through social network sites, but I am the one who feel awkward to try to reach them. Hm. Maybe that's the reason I'm back to the place where I had all my childhood memories. Now things are different. Of course, if you live in the past, you will not have the future.We will never know how things gonna be even if we wish we could turn back time, so let's not waste our time to think about. Only Allah has the full knowledge of everything, about the things that had never occur and how it's gonna be if it happen. We are given the choice to decide on our future, by the Will of Allah. That's the divine predestination. :) Anyway, I may have missed the Laylatul Qadr :(, but I pray for the months after Ramadhan, I will be a better person, InshaAllah. And I hope I'll get the chance to see another Ramadhan. Ameen~

A gentle reminder ^^

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

Alhamdulillah, in just a few days Ramadhan will come, InshaAllah, and I hope I am still able to breathe and live throughout this precious month. Only once per year, it is a rare opportunity. You have 11 months to live normally, do the things that you always do that sometimes can either make us welcoming or feeling dejected with the news of Ramadhan approaching. Yes, for the rest of the year, we either be a better person or we make no change in our life. This month is an opportunity, a 'training period' which, if we make full use of it and train ourself well, we might be able to carry on our life well equipped, for the real challenges after Ramadhan. Quoting from Ust Nouman's word, the training period usually easy, so Allah chained down the Shaytan so that we can go through and complete our program without distraction. So after one month completed the training, then only we are qualified to face the real challenges, which is to face our Ultimate Enemy, who will always try their best doing what they can to distract us.

Really, I have never think about it that way. So, it is true, change the way we look at things and we will understand the meaning- quote from Prof Tariq Ramadan from his speech yesterday. Yes, that was another thing I want to talk about. Alhamdulillah, thank You Allah for giving me the opportunity to attend the event yesterday. And the best thing is that I just completed reading his book 'In the Footsteps of the Prophet: Lessons from His Life' just a day ago. Much of the content from his talk yesterday are related to the book. But of course, since the time is limited he only had to deliver the messages which are essentials. And until now, I am still thinking the answer for his question: What do we have,  as Asian Muslims to produce and represent ourselves if we are to counteract the challenges from globalization or westernization? hmmmmmm...that's a really a long thought.....hmmmmmmmmm

Anyway, another thing that came to my mind is about consciousness. Be conscious. If we get so used to do something, we might be doing it without thinking, without having the full consciousness of what and why we are doing it, that we will lost its meaning. It could happen to anything in your life, even in your prayer. Yes, as a muslim when you hear the call of adhan you remember it is time to pray. But then if we are so used to it,as if it was just a daily routine, we might just perform salah without realize the meaning of it. Especially in times that we are rushing on to do something. We don't want to miss our salah so we perform it first, but because we are rushing, we don't get the essence of our prayer. We feel satisfy that we have prayed, but then when we are finally have some time to our self, we might be thinking, did I pray right just now? Did I make the du'a today?We lost the connection to God. It was as if we are using the phone but talking through the voicemail, not sure whether the other person going to listen to our message or not. Of course, Allah is All-Hearing and All Knowing, but if we make our prayer merely a daily routine, performing the rituals merely for the sake of doing it, not as an act of worship, we won't be able to understand the real meaning to it. It will be a waste, the only time we can use to speak directly to God, but we lost the opportunity just like that. It's the same as fasting, we held in our desire to eat and drink because that's what fasting mean to us, but, the real meaning of fasting and the whole celebration of Ramadhan is lost because we look at it merely as a fasting month. There are so much deeper meaning to it, which for this time, InshaAllah with Allah's guidance I would like to learn more through Islamic teachings. 

This is only as a reminder to myself, whom I know very well at some point will tend to forget and turn away. So, let's make full use of this training month, be among those who will complete it successfully, not the losers who do it without understanding the real meaning of it. May Allah s.w.t guide us all. Ameen :)

the second half of the year

Assalammualaikum..

first time I'm giving salam in my post. Anyway, salam means 'peace'. And when we give salam to others, the real meaning behind it is, "You are safe from me", or "I won't harm you". It is a word of peace that's why if we receive salam, we should feel at ease :) but there are people who take the word salam as a joke because i remember i read a title of a news that a robber gave salam before he robbed a house. I don't read the whole story, but from the title I can say that the robber obviously doesn't know the meaning and think it's funny to give salam before you harm another person. And another thing that is common now, if people see someone else that looks religious (wearing hijab and all), they give salam as a way of greeting, but to their own friends they simply say "Yo, wassup?". Hm, well, I'm not trying to write the whole thing about salam, I'm just writing based on my experience and my own thoughts. I am also still trying to get myself used to giving salam. :)May Allah s.w.t guide us all

Anyway, I've not been writing for the past 1 month. Many things happened that initially I was not able to understand, but Alhamdulillah at least I got the idea of how things went wrong in the first place. Obviously I think it was my fault, because I opened 'the back door' and things start to take place. So it's true, Shaytan will definitely inspire you to do sins then he will console you 'Alhamdulillah, at least you didn't do something worse' or maybe by misguiding you as if you are on the right path that make you feel at ease while committing the sin. When Allah shows you the obstacles only you realize how wrong you are, and how wrong things are in the first place. It is definitely the mercy of my Rabb, for guiding me after I got lost, again and again. I really pray that Allah will give us the full understanding of the wisdom behind it.

Alhamdulillah, I was given the chance to attend Rays of Faith. It is definitely an 'imaan-booster' session. To have the knowledge to the world of the unseen, to learn about your ultimate enemy, to understand the concept of Qada' & Qadar and to be reminded of the Judgement Day, it is definitely a mind and heart opening session. I can't describe more..I hope I will always be steadfast on this path. It is definitely different when you become more alert and aware about your God and His Mercy and also His Punishment that now you will try your best to please Him more. When you always thank Him, you will appreciate more things round you and will try your best not to complaint. And I really like to think that Allah has created an enormous number of angels, the creations that commit no sin towards Him, and will not get tired of worshipping Him, yet Allah still give His Mercy towards us, the humans, who commits sin and sometimes forgot the purpose of our creation- to worship Allah, the One and Only and to rely only upon Him on any matters. I hope by writing all this, I will not go away from Him, please always guide me, ya Allah. Ameen :)

one step further

a few times i tried to write but somehow i lost my words. i don't know what to write about because things are just so ordinary. hehe. not like today has any extra-ordinary event happened. it just that because i started my day with a funny incident. :P 

oh, this week i am doing periphery rounds. somehow feels like doing MO job (only when seeing referrals), but then i realized i'm still an inexperience HO when i don't know what plans i should give to that patient, so i leave the space empty. haha. so today, i went to a medical ward (i didn't do any rotation in the ward previously so i'm definitely not familiar with it), foolish me, i almost made the whole ward "gelabah" when i said my patient has MRSA.hahaha. i saw the culture result MRSA isolated but didn't notice the initial part saying "NO" because the ink is fading. buat malu jeh. :P

anyway, things are not really fun because they are not the same anymore. i'm not really into it so i'd rather stay away from it. but i think some people are trying hard to impress others. sorry to say but it appears that way. again, i have to remind myself, if it doesn't involve me, then don't bother. worry more about yourself. your future. your Akhirah. are you really prepared? huuu~ if things are not beneficial to me, i'd rather lose it than trying hard to keep it. i can't make people change. i'm in the process of changing myself. it's not easy. at one time you feel you are strong, then at one time you get distracted. just making du'a that Allah will always guide me and don't let me be misguided. i know i'm not the right person to say anything because i'm not at that level yet. anyway, i pray the rest of the week will be better than ever. Ameen :)

progress in life

last night i was on the night shift, i was covering an active call. everything was ok, until a patient with  an infected wound decided to have an asthma attack. then early in the morning, suddenly everyone got a surge of high blood pressure. but alhamdulillah, at least everything was under controlled :)

anyway, as i was browsing through my facebook, i noticed a lot of my friends had so much progress in their life. most of them who are married are already blessed with a child. subhanallah :) i'm glad they had completed half their deen and given a bigger responsibility as a parent..but there are some who are still trying after a few years, i hope they'll be given patience. Allah al Wahhab, the giver of all gifts, surely will give you unexpected gift when the time has come. He knows best, He is al Qadeer, the One who had prescribe our destiny even before we are created :)

talking about this, alhamdulillah, our family is going to expand a bit this month, hehe. finally, as my parents had been dreaming all this while, they are able to host a wedding ceremony. but again, i want everyone to remember, it is the marriage that matters, not the wedding. while my family are busy preparing for this event (i dont get involve much because of work), i was planning my own. haha. ok, not really planning, but more of dreaming. i don't want a grand wedding. who cares about having VIPs eating on your table(seriously, they don't even know you at all) what matters is the important people in my life will be there during my wedding ceremony. my families and friends.  i know sometimes we can plan, but things don't really happen our way. but, this is just my dream :) what i mean by friends is those people that really had been there for me even for a certain period of time only, but we shared really good memories. real memories. you know who you are :) i don't have that many close friends, the one who knows the real me. every time i was at a certain place, there'll be one or two people who got really close with me. even though after that period of time we go our own way and don't contact much, they're still the ones who had seen me at my best and worst time :) haha..berangan lebih. anyway, my dream wedding should be a.s.a.p...not as soon as possible (i wish) but as simple as possible. again, what matters is the marriage, not the wedding :P

okay, enough for today. got to study a bit and also replying to the long lists of wedding invitations for this month and next month (ok, ade about 7 je, takde la banyak sangat haha) i really hope i can attend all but there are some that clash with each other and the place is so impossible to reach within a day travelling from my place. so i'll try my best. but even if i don't attend, i will always pray everyone for a marriage that is like a wonderful journey towards jannah, with the blessings from Allah ar Rahman :) ameen~~

honestly....

well..honestly..if you read the title, i am writing this down with an honest feeling..haha..i'm so freaking tired, oh mannn...but 'instead of complaining, say Alhamdulillah'..yes..:P Alhamdulillah, i was able to wake up in time  to get ready and arrived at work on time, yes. something happened today but still thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to learn without giving me a hard time. (eh, mcm rhyme plak) 


anyway, this morning while i was doing review, i noticed my patient is a bit sleepy. but when i talk to him he was responsive, and was able to understand me, but still, i noted his signature was weird when i asked him to sign a consent for a procedure.i did explained to him about the procedure and asked him to repeat what i said, he was able to repeat it but still he was not able to open his eyes properly(yes, that, i should've think of something). i noticed his signature totally different than the previous one(for a moment i did think of a scene in Grey's anatomy where it was a sign that their patient had a recent stroke, hehe) but because i was too focused on finishing my rounds before my MO came (less people in the ward during weekend), and since he was quite orientated, i just let it off my mind. but one hour later, alhamdulillah because there was an experience nurse, she was able to pick up the thing that i missed. oh ya Allah, thank you for not making it hard for me. i felt guilty and stupid because i was not able to pick up the sign, but i am grateful that  the patient was comfortable throughout my shif and didn't deteriorate. i was able to at least complete all the task to make sure he is really okay. i had a really busy day today, i tried my best but of course there was a moment i was a bit insincere. especially when unnecessary things causing delay in my job. 


i didn't get to eat my lunchbox n was holding my bladder till i really can leave the ward to go back home. and because of that, i had this crazy thoughts that i deserve a plate of fried kway teow (which is about 700 calories) because i didn't eat throughout the day, haha.  i called it crazy because now i'm regretting about it, a bit..:P whatever..~ anyway, everyday is a different day and there will always be a lesson to learn:) oh, and i am really trying hard to keep my own promise to myself. to have modesty and avoiding fitnah. not so easy, but i'll try my best. i pray things will be easy. if it is good for me & my religion, please make it easy for me ya Allah..ameen :)

i'm feeling my blues..not really :P

yes.. i'm in my last posting, finally...Alhamdulillah..all praises belongs to Allah. my ending in ED was not so good, haha. i made myself feel like a loser. serves me right for doing things at the last minute. i left a bad impression of myself to my boss. being 'satisfactory' explains it all. haha. but that small things does not break me. yes, I was upset at myself but it was my own fault so no use just feeling upset unless i took lessons from it and improve myself. oh..of course, i miss my previous posting. so again, the only posting i didn't miss is medical. :p


anyway, my entry was quite late. hee, i'm already going to my 4th week in this posting. yes, again Alhamdulillah i passed my tagging assessment. so far this posting has the most strict tagging assessment. hehe. a few months left. hm. i dunno where my destination gonna be after this, but i hope Allah's plans is good for me. wherever it is, i just hope it is a good working environment, and i hope with this job i can get closer to my final destination. and with this job, i can practice my deen as best as i could. 


in one month, there'll be a new change in our family, insyaAllah. and i hope my time will come soon. Ameen ya Rabb :)

taking step two

Subhanallah..all praises to Allah..i have just completed week one of Valley of the Seekers and there was nothing that can describe how I'm feeling right now..only Allah knows, what's really inside of me. the only thing I can say it, it's definitely what I've been searching for..I know, there are still lots I don't know but I'm gonna make full use of this little knowledge I know..Alhamdulillah..

so I am taking step two..which is to remove my distractions. Facebook games and everything. yes, I deleted all the games I played. the other day I was thinking, what am I doing everyday? I should stop it, doing window shopping online and kissing virtual boyfriend every 8 hours everyday? seriously? that's what I've been filling my time with? How wasted..seriously. I was planning to stop but somehow there was not a strong reason for me to do it, actually, I was not strong enough to do it..and today, I finally have the strength..to leave it behind. I know, to others it isn't much, whatever la, its just a game or games. But to me, it is one small steps that surely benefit me in a long time. there are still many other distractions, but if I manage to remove this, I'm sure I'll be able to do it again, insyaAllah.

well, there are still many things to do. Living with the names of Allah. I will try my best. Keep going, one step at a time :)

reflection

i'm taking a one step back and reflecting upon the last few weeks. hm. yes, i was deviated again, by dunia. that's why i think my mind is miserable and my heart is beating out of its proportion- they are not in peace. i'm having confusions and doubts most of the time. 

anyway, a lot of thing happened. there was a time that i did a stupid mistake but i just have to live with it. i am now. then there was time when i thought i had everything i ever wanted but of course nothing is ever enough. then i feel suspicious and having doubts towards some people but i had to rub it off and telling myself if i was not good for me, then i shouldn't get involved.

and i'm trying my best to make everything right. since i have the opportunity to start from zero, i want to start from taking my 1st step in the right way. i refuse to get to know people from social network sites anymore. cause it won't lead to any good. there was no indication for any of us to get to know each other in the reality, why do we have to start virtually? it won't lead to anything, and i feel like it will only waste time. it's different from knowing each other beforehand than getting to know each other from virtual world. but knowing each other first doesn't mean we are allowed to have private conversations and chatting over the web/phone. i'm talking about relationship between different genders. this is what i learned today, so i'm trying my best to hold onto it. it's not easy, since i used to do the same thing before, but i have to protect myself. i hope Allah will always protect me from doing more sins and harmful mistakes in the future. Ameen~

one step at a time

i am supposed to have shower like  2 hours ago but i'm stuck on my bed with my beloved 'bedmates' - my mac..hehe..anyway..as usual, something is bothering me..hm..

it has been 2 weeks for this new year..2 weeks since i attended Home Sweet Home..2 weeks since i turned 25..huhu..anyway, things like this dont happen often but alhamdulillah through the course i have better understanding and trying to change myself..not much..one step at a time..its a very very small change but i hope i could keep it up and do more changes in d future..:) but somehow making changes in your life could mean you'll lose some things u think it was important for you..like what i'm feeling right now..i'm having doubts and felt a little distance but i believe if it was the best for me, Allah would not let me fell into such misery as He knows best..it's not easy, yes, not at all easy..but i have to keep reminding myself i need to put full trust in Allah..i know i'm still doing procrastination, haha, but i'll improve slowly :P

anyway, the past 2 weeks had been good. i have mixed feelings..sometimes i feel happy, a little stressed out then happy again, then confused then sometimes feeling nervous and having palpitations..then i'm happy again..but i have worries..worrying i would make any mistakes that could harm others and at the same time trying to let myself enjoying my work..also worrying about creating fitnah towards myself or being insincere in my work..have to remind myself of my intentions of going to work everyday..

next week gonna be a tough week..2 days working over weekend..dun worry..let's purify our intentions everyday, may we feel the joy of it..Ameen :)

-oh..and i'm touched when there was one person dat noticed a very small small change i made on my appearane..hehe-

a new year

alhamdulillah i'm writing my first entry of year 2012..haha, very funny, first entry of awal muharram xde pun kan..it's okay, i will try to improve slowly..

again, alhamdulillah Allah has given me opportunity to attend my 2nd Al-Kauthar course. the sad thing is i couldn't complete the 2nd day lectures because i was working night shift. i cant simply take leave because there was not enough people..especially around holiday time, i expect it to be a busy night.. but last night was okay..at least not much of drink & drive cases..only one patient came in like that but at least it was not polytrauma case..my last day in resus..tomorrow i'll be starting my rotation alone, but i hope Allah will always protect me from causing harm to anyone, amiin~

anyway, regarding the course, it has actually help me to strengthen my belief and give me confident to do the right thing. as all of us already aware, doing the unlawful thing is easy & doing the lawful things usually difficult. but with this very little knowledge i had, i'll try my best to keep it in mind and always remind myself to live my life for the Hereafter, not dunia..but of course, it won't be easy and i'm still lacking in so much thingsssss..please ya Allah, please dun ever take Your blessings away from me :)