reflection

i'm taking a one step back and reflecting upon the last few weeks. hm. yes, i was deviated again, by dunia. that's why i think my mind is miserable and my heart is beating out of its proportion- they are not in peace. i'm having confusions and doubts most of the time. 

anyway, a lot of thing happened. there was a time that i did a stupid mistake but i just have to live with it. i am now. then there was time when i thought i had everything i ever wanted but of course nothing is ever enough. then i feel suspicious and having doubts towards some people but i had to rub it off and telling myself if i was not good for me, then i shouldn't get involved.

and i'm trying my best to make everything right. since i have the opportunity to start from zero, i want to start from taking my 1st step in the right way. i refuse to get to know people from social network sites anymore. cause it won't lead to any good. there was no indication for any of us to get to know each other in the reality, why do we have to start virtually? it won't lead to anything, and i feel like it will only waste time. it's different from knowing each other beforehand than getting to know each other from virtual world. but knowing each other first doesn't mean we are allowed to have private conversations and chatting over the web/phone. i'm talking about relationship between different genders. this is what i learned today, so i'm trying my best to hold onto it. it's not easy, since i used to do the same thing before, but i have to protect myself. i hope Allah will always protect me from doing more sins and harmful mistakes in the future. Ameen~

one step at a time

i am supposed to have shower like  2 hours ago but i'm stuck on my bed with my beloved 'bedmates' - my mac..hehe..anyway..as usual, something is bothering me..hm..

it has been 2 weeks for this new year..2 weeks since i attended Home Sweet Home..2 weeks since i turned 25..huhu..anyway, things like this dont happen often but alhamdulillah through the course i have better understanding and trying to change myself..not much..one step at a time..its a very very small change but i hope i could keep it up and do more changes in d future..:) but somehow making changes in your life could mean you'll lose some things u think it was important for you..like what i'm feeling right now..i'm having doubts and felt a little distance but i believe if it was the best for me, Allah would not let me fell into such misery as He knows best..it's not easy, yes, not at all easy..but i have to keep reminding myself i need to put full trust in Allah..i know i'm still doing procrastination, haha, but i'll improve slowly :P

anyway, the past 2 weeks had been good. i have mixed feelings..sometimes i feel happy, a little stressed out then happy again, then confused then sometimes feeling nervous and having palpitations..then i'm happy again..but i have worries..worrying i would make any mistakes that could harm others and at the same time trying to let myself enjoying my work..also worrying about creating fitnah towards myself or being insincere in my work..have to remind myself of my intentions of going to work everyday..

next week gonna be a tough week..2 days working over weekend..dun worry..let's purify our intentions everyday, may we feel the joy of it..Ameen :)

-oh..and i'm touched when there was one person dat noticed a very small small change i made on my appearane..hehe-

a new year

alhamdulillah i'm writing my first entry of year 2012..haha, very funny, first entry of awal muharram xde pun kan..it's okay, i will try to improve slowly..

again, alhamdulillah Allah has given me opportunity to attend my 2nd Al-Kauthar course. the sad thing is i couldn't complete the 2nd day lectures because i was working night shift. i cant simply take leave because there was not enough people..especially around holiday time, i expect it to be a busy night.. but last night was okay..at least not much of drink & drive cases..only one patient came in like that but at least it was not polytrauma case..my last day in resus..tomorrow i'll be starting my rotation alone, but i hope Allah will always protect me from causing harm to anyone, amiin~

anyway, regarding the course, it has actually help me to strengthen my belief and give me confident to do the right thing. as all of us already aware, doing the unlawful thing is easy & doing the lawful things usually difficult. but with this very little knowledge i had, i'll try my best to keep it in mind and always remind myself to live my life for the Hereafter, not dunia..but of course, it won't be easy and i'm still lacking in so much thingsssss..please ya Allah, please dun ever take Your blessings away from me :)