back to december

oh hoo..things are not so good lately..but i had a few great moment by myself..and i'm thankful to God, maybe it's time for Allah to test me after giving me a good time..anyway, i finally found it..found the satisfaction in doing sumthing with sincerity..i remembered last time i was wondering is dat even possible? and yes, now i know how great it feels when u do something with sincerity..:) i'll remember this and if i'm gonna become insincere, i'll recall this particular time..

anyway, sumthing not so good also happened. d last few weeks i apparently got mad with a colleague. i dun know why, but everytime i try to rationalize things i'll just feel angry trying to think about it..i thought maybe i was wrong and i even had said sorry, but when i try to think what went wrong i cant find d answer. probably because i kept everything for so long i just cant stand it anymore. i feel like d boundaries had been crossed. i dun know what kind of boundary, but it feels dat way.. n d worst part is i cant even tell the details to a close friend. i dunno, probably it was my own problem coz i'm scared it'll affect everyone's relationship..so i have to held it in..but yesterday it was as if i had reach my limit n i really need some time to b alone.. i thought i'll be okay so i just go along..but apparently, not..my chest felt so heavy n i need to cry..at one moment i feel like running away n cry, but it was too dramatic..so i held it in for a few hours..by the time my working hours end, dats when i bursts into tears..along d way i was driving home i was crying..i didnt know i had such a weak heart..n because of dat, i feel like it has made my friend felt bad..but really, if given a chance i wouldnt know how to explain. probably dats just the consequences of holding everything in for so long, everything got mixed up and i got confused which one is really d cause of it..

i dunno wat to do..so now, i'm wishing dat there'll be a nice script for me so dat it's easy for me to explain and i wish sumone would write my life story in a better way..ya Allah, forgive me for my wrongdoings and please guide me to become a better person..amiin~~ -_-

a new week

so today is the last day i'm having my holiday..it's greattt...but tomorrow have to go back to work..hmm..not that i hate it, just that i really hope this last few weeks will be good..pleaseee...truthfully, i enjoyed working..but biasela, bile dah lepak2 ni rasa malas pun mula melanda..keke

anyway, alhamdulillah yesterday we arrived home safely..and my stomach also did not cause me any problem..alhamdulillah..i was so worried, ye la, from kelantan to gerik je dah nak dekat 4 hours, and the R&R also not very comfortable..kehe..so if anything happen during that time, wat am i supposed to do?? huhu..luckily, everything was fine, and yes, again, we arrived safely (if not, i wouldnt be writing this right?) :P

last night i asked from God an answer to my question..but somehow, i got a dream..but i'm not sure whether that dream is the answer or not..it's getting me confused..hm, it's okay, let's not think so much about it..i'm sure someday God will give me the answer..someday we'll know...lalalala..ho yeahhh~~~ ^-^

holidayyyy

it's my 2nd day of holiday..n i'm in my sister's place now..yess..i'm in KB a.k.a newcastle..such a long flight..keke..nothing much, yesterday visited my uncle and cousin, today i should be visiting them again, cause its been a long time since i came back, but i'm not feeling well..my stomach is punishing me..huuu..it's neither diarrhea nor constipation..it's just..how do i say it..a painful change in bowel habit..haha..cam klakar je.. :P but really, i only hope tomorrow at least for 7-8 hours it wont cause me any problem..please please..such a long drive tomorrow..i just want to have a comfortable journey..

anyway, next week have to start working again...hmmm...oh yea, n presentation was postponed again..erk, suddenly i'm having thought block..i cant remember what to write anymore..so till ere..hope we have a safe journey tomorrow..aminnn~~ ^-^

busy night

wahhh..last night was such a tiring night..at the start of shift already everything looks so busy, like so many things were going on when i entered labour room..hmph, nak2 ade 5 lscs last night..huhu..and the last part i even gave wrong info to my MO coz probably my brain is not functioning well..uhuk2, sorry boss..-_-"

remind me of last week when i had 9 cases back to back n one of it almost makes my heart stops...babies r supposed to be born with a heartwarming feeling, not giving others heart attack..huhu

the funny thing is my partner n i both have a same dream..really..when we woke up, we were like, "i thought there's a prem case but what happened?"it's weird that we kinda know about the case but no one inform, it felt so real..then later we found out there is actually a prem case but was being tocolysed..huhu..luckyyy..if not..sah2 dua2 collapse and takde orang nak resus kan..:P..but its funny bout d part we both woke up and wondering bout the same thing..haha, as if we communicate through dreams..hahaha

ya Allah, tonight will be the last night..i really really pray everything will go smoothly..n today i hope my presentation will go well..amiinnnn.. ~~~ ^-^

wehuuu..

ahhh..2 more days..really can't wait..i need a break like..STAT! huhu..that's because i'm not feeling well today..luckily my presentation has been postponed, i got more time to sleep n rest this morning..huhu..really hate this feeling..it's exactly the same as what happened before my birthday last time..dat's why i'm not eating anything..since morning..yeah..macam tak caye je, but when i smell food i feel more nauseated. really afraid to eat anything, i'm afraid i'll end up vomiting like last time..which is..grossss..i hope i can survive tonight..hopefully nothing much so that i can recharge myself n will not cause trouble to my partner..-_-

just now i almost got my appetite back, but now its gone again..haih..ya Allah, please give me strength to go through tonight n 2 more nights. aminnn..

wehuuuu ^-^~~~~

it's like a circus...~

well, i'm writing today..means something has been bothering me..it's been awhile..so many things i want to write, but too lazy to start..huhu..anyway, one week has passed, n i have another 4 days of this shift left..eh, it's not days, it's night coz starting today i'm doing the night shift..alrite, i have to get this over soon coz i have one presentation to complete..aaa, tomorrow i'm presenting, n right now my mind cant focus on anything..talking bout presentations, remind me during my surgery posting..kehehe..trying to escape but in the end have to present in front all bosses..n i completed my presentation just one hour before dat..haha..but in this posting, definitely cantttt...huhuh

so what is it has been bothering me? i dun know..a person? a problem? an unidentifiable things? haihh..i know its bad to sigh buttt....there's sumthing heavy right here in my chest..compressing on my lungs and my aorta, obstructing the blood flow causing my peripheries to feel cold..hahaha..ntah btul ke physiology tu..anyway, the past few days had been giving me palpitations..i tried my best to improve my admission criteria but sumtimes sum cases just need to be admitted..cant blame us for dat. it's not like we intentionally doing it just to give some other people more job to do..last time i was also cursing when i was oncall n things like this happen, but rather than complaining, better get ur job done..we are all still in the process of learning..n i have lots more to learn..because of my past mistake, i'm trying to learn to trust my judgement, n not get affected by others. gosh, that particular day, was the worst time of my life. have to face it by myself n still continue working even though i feel like i cant take it anymore. have to be oncall on dat day sumore with feeling bad for not being able to recognize something important..ya Allah, please always provide me Your guidance..aminnn...

despite all things happened, i have a few things dat keep myself up..haha..i'm thankful for that..at least there are times dat my hard work was appreciated by others..:P well, you cannot satisfy everyone, so dont feel guilty if others blaming you or angry at you for something you did. still have a longgggg way to go..chaiyok2!

it's a good day!

helo..today i turned 24!like, finally..so long i've been waiting..haha..anyway, it's a good day..but i didnt do anything..coz i was freaking sick since yesterday..yes..i was postcall and suddenly i feel so nauseated.i vomited once after lunch..the feeling is..yikes..i'd rather had diarrhea than vomiting..huhu..really, the last time i vomit was 12 years ago (yes, i remember exactly)..and i cant imagine how dreadful it is to patients who came in with complaint of frequent vomiting..huhu..but i'm glad i had great colleagues, and really thankful to have them by my side yesterday..really really thankful :)

anyway, tomorrow's gonna be another long day, but i hope i'm back to my healthy states so that i can handle my call without causing problems to my colleagues..huhu..anyway, i guess being sick is a blessing in disguise..it's a good reminder for me..thank you Allah..:)