honestly....

well..honestly..if you read the title, i am writing this down with an honest feeling..haha..i'm so freaking tired, oh mannn...but 'instead of complaining, say Alhamdulillah'..yes..:P Alhamdulillah, i was able to wake up in time  to get ready and arrived at work on time, yes. something happened today but still thank you Allah for giving me the opportunity to learn without giving me a hard time. (eh, mcm rhyme plak) 


anyway, this morning while i was doing review, i noticed my patient is a bit sleepy. but when i talk to him he was responsive, and was able to understand me, but still, i noted his signature was weird when i asked him to sign a consent for a procedure.i did explained to him about the procedure and asked him to repeat what i said, he was able to repeat it but still he was not able to open his eyes properly(yes, that, i should've think of something). i noticed his signature totally different than the previous one(for a moment i did think of a scene in Grey's anatomy where it was a sign that their patient had a recent stroke, hehe) but because i was too focused on finishing my rounds before my MO came (less people in the ward during weekend), and since he was quite orientated, i just let it off my mind. but one hour later, alhamdulillah because there was an experience nurse, she was able to pick up the thing that i missed. oh ya Allah, thank you for not making it hard for me. i felt guilty and stupid because i was not able to pick up the sign, but i am grateful that  the patient was comfortable throughout my shif and didn't deteriorate. i was able to at least complete all the task to make sure he is really okay. i had a really busy day today, i tried my best but of course there was a moment i was a bit insincere. especially when unnecessary things causing delay in my job. 


i didn't get to eat my lunchbox n was holding my bladder till i really can leave the ward to go back home. and because of that, i had this crazy thoughts that i deserve a plate of fried kway teow (which is about 700 calories) because i didn't eat throughout the day, haha.  i called it crazy because now i'm regretting about it, a bit..:P whatever..~ anyway, everyday is a different day and there will always be a lesson to learn:) oh, and i am really trying hard to keep my own promise to myself. to have modesty and avoiding fitnah. not so easy, but i'll try my best. i pray things will be easy. if it is good for me & my religion, please make it easy for me ya Allah..ameen :)

i'm feeling my blues..not really :P

yes.. i'm in my last posting, finally...Alhamdulillah..all praises belongs to Allah. my ending in ED was not so good, haha. i made myself feel like a loser. serves me right for doing things at the last minute. i left a bad impression of myself to my boss. being 'satisfactory' explains it all. haha. but that small things does not break me. yes, I was upset at myself but it was my own fault so no use just feeling upset unless i took lessons from it and improve myself. oh..of course, i miss my previous posting. so again, the only posting i didn't miss is medical. :p


anyway, my entry was quite late. hee, i'm already going to my 4th week in this posting. yes, again Alhamdulillah i passed my tagging assessment. so far this posting has the most strict tagging assessment. hehe. a few months left. hm. i dunno where my destination gonna be after this, but i hope Allah's plans is good for me. wherever it is, i just hope it is a good working environment, and i hope with this job i can get closer to my final destination. and with this job, i can practice my deen as best as i could. 


in one month, there'll be a new change in our family, insyaAllah. and i hope my time will come soon. Ameen ya Rabb :)

taking step two

Subhanallah..all praises to Allah..i have just completed week one of Valley of the Seekers and there was nothing that can describe how I'm feeling right now..only Allah knows, what's really inside of me. the only thing I can say it, it's definitely what I've been searching for..I know, there are still lots I don't know but I'm gonna make full use of this little knowledge I know..Alhamdulillah..

so I am taking step two..which is to remove my distractions. Facebook games and everything. yes, I deleted all the games I played. the other day I was thinking, what am I doing everyday? I should stop it, doing window shopping online and kissing virtual boyfriend every 8 hours everyday? seriously? that's what I've been filling my time with? How wasted..seriously. I was planning to stop but somehow there was not a strong reason for me to do it, actually, I was not strong enough to do it..and today, I finally have the strength..to leave it behind. I know, to others it isn't much, whatever la, its just a game or games. But to me, it is one small steps that surely benefit me in a long time. there are still many other distractions, but if I manage to remove this, I'm sure I'll be able to do it again, insyaAllah.

well, there are still many things to do. Living with the names of Allah. I will try my best. Keep going, one step at a time :)

reflection

i'm taking a one step back and reflecting upon the last few weeks. hm. yes, i was deviated again, by dunia. that's why i think my mind is miserable and my heart is beating out of its proportion- they are not in peace. i'm having confusions and doubts most of the time. 

anyway, a lot of thing happened. there was a time that i did a stupid mistake but i just have to live with it. i am now. then there was time when i thought i had everything i ever wanted but of course nothing is ever enough. then i feel suspicious and having doubts towards some people but i had to rub it off and telling myself if i was not good for me, then i shouldn't get involved.

and i'm trying my best to make everything right. since i have the opportunity to start from zero, i want to start from taking my 1st step in the right way. i refuse to get to know people from social network sites anymore. cause it won't lead to any good. there was no indication for any of us to get to know each other in the reality, why do we have to start virtually? it won't lead to anything, and i feel like it will only waste time. it's different from knowing each other beforehand than getting to know each other from virtual world. but knowing each other first doesn't mean we are allowed to have private conversations and chatting over the web/phone. i'm talking about relationship between different genders. this is what i learned today, so i'm trying my best to hold onto it. it's not easy, since i used to do the same thing before, but i have to protect myself. i hope Allah will always protect me from doing more sins and harmful mistakes in the future. Ameen~

one step at a time

i am supposed to have shower like  2 hours ago but i'm stuck on my bed with my beloved 'bedmates' - my mac..hehe..anyway..as usual, something is bothering me..hm..

it has been 2 weeks for this new year..2 weeks since i attended Home Sweet Home..2 weeks since i turned 25..huhu..anyway, things like this dont happen often but alhamdulillah through the course i have better understanding and trying to change myself..not much..one step at a time..its a very very small change but i hope i could keep it up and do more changes in d future..:) but somehow making changes in your life could mean you'll lose some things u think it was important for you..like what i'm feeling right now..i'm having doubts and felt a little distance but i believe if it was the best for me, Allah would not let me fell into such misery as He knows best..it's not easy, yes, not at all easy..but i have to keep reminding myself i need to put full trust in Allah..i know i'm still doing procrastination, haha, but i'll improve slowly :P

anyway, the past 2 weeks had been good. i have mixed feelings..sometimes i feel happy, a little stressed out then happy again, then confused then sometimes feeling nervous and having palpitations..then i'm happy again..but i have worries..worrying i would make any mistakes that could harm others and at the same time trying to let myself enjoying my work..also worrying about creating fitnah towards myself or being insincere in my work..have to remind myself of my intentions of going to work everyday..

next week gonna be a tough week..2 days working over weekend..dun worry..let's purify our intentions everyday, may we feel the joy of it..Ameen :)

-oh..and i'm touched when there was one person dat noticed a very small small change i made on my appearane..hehe-

a new year

alhamdulillah i'm writing my first entry of year 2012..haha, very funny, first entry of awal muharram xde pun kan..it's okay, i will try to improve slowly..

again, alhamdulillah Allah has given me opportunity to attend my 2nd Al-Kauthar course. the sad thing is i couldn't complete the 2nd day lectures because i was working night shift. i cant simply take leave because there was not enough people..especially around holiday time, i expect it to be a busy night.. but last night was okay..at least not much of drink & drive cases..only one patient came in like that but at least it was not polytrauma case..my last day in resus..tomorrow i'll be starting my rotation alone, but i hope Allah will always protect me from causing harm to anyone, amiin~

anyway, regarding the course, it has actually help me to strengthen my belief and give me confident to do the right thing. as all of us already aware, doing the unlawful thing is easy & doing the lawful things usually difficult. but with this very little knowledge i had, i'll try my best to keep it in mind and always remind myself to live my life for the Hereafter, not dunia..but of course, it won't be easy and i'm still lacking in so much thingsssss..please ya Allah, please dun ever take Your blessings away from me :)

surprise surprise

tik tok tik tok..only a few minutes left while i'm writing this entry..anyway, i have to write this before i go to sleep, or else it would be meaningless if i write about this later..hehe

thank you so much guys!hehe..i'm totally speechless, and of course surprised! didn't expect this at all..totally clueless..well, what happened? hmmmm..:)

*flashback*

i was totally doing nothing around 8 pm..i was rolling on d carpet while watching KBS song festival..was hoping to see 2PM performed but i guess they won't appear so soon..then i was watching 'Take Me Out', definitely my first time watching the show, while thinking hm, do i have to appear on TV show later if i still can't find my partner in the future? haha..definitely won't do that! then suddenly i feel like checking my phone and there was a sms from fiza..she said she was down and asked me out for a drink..i rarely go out at night, especially if i am at home, so i immediately ask my parents permission..haha, so much for a 'counselling session'..while waiting for her i was thinking what could be the problem..but when i went out from my doorstep i was totally surprised by a birthday song in front of my house..i saw sarah holding a birthday cake with the candles then arifah appears..i was speechless..they came all the way from Klang..huhu..definitely clueless and didnt expect this kind of birthday surprise..that was so sweet..really :) *sob sob* and the birthday card..hehe..really really thankful, even though 'happy birthday' becomes 'bogoshipda' in korean..hehe..i won't ever forget this moment ..coz i keep it safe in this entry :)

suddenly i remembered 6 years ago when Yan, Zai and Aida (my rumate in matrix) did the same birthday surprise to me..actually i was more surprised to see the guest..hahaha..they invited 'my crush' to celebrate my birthday...hahaha..seriously unexpected and now i feel funny thinking how did i had crush on that person, keke...;P

anyway, i better sleep now..have to prepare for the course tomorrow..i hope the course will enlighten  me with new knowledge..and i'll try my best to share with others..nite XOXO :)

oh..and i'm expecting a lot of birthday wishes :P thank you all for the wishes..thank you Allah for giving me a chance to still live until today :)