reflection

i'm taking a one step back and reflecting upon the last few weeks. hm. yes, i was deviated again, by dunia. that's why i think my mind is miserable and my heart is beating out of its proportion- they are not in peace. i'm having confusions and doubts most of the time. 

anyway, a lot of thing happened. there was a time that i did a stupid mistake but i just have to live with it. i am now. then there was time when i thought i had everything i ever wanted but of course nothing is ever enough. then i feel suspicious and having doubts towards some people but i had to rub it off and telling myself if i was not good for me, then i shouldn't get involved.

and i'm trying my best to make everything right. since i have the opportunity to start from zero, i want to start from taking my 1st step in the right way. i refuse to get to know people from social network sites anymore. cause it won't lead to any good. there was no indication for any of us to get to know each other in the reality, why do we have to start virtually? it won't lead to anything, and i feel like it will only waste time. it's different from knowing each other beforehand than getting to know each other from virtual world. but knowing each other first doesn't mean we are allowed to have private conversations and chatting over the web/phone. i'm talking about relationship between different genders. this is what i learned today, so i'm trying my best to hold onto it. it's not easy, since i used to do the same thing before, but i have to protect myself. i hope Allah will always protect me from doing more sins and harmful mistakes in the future. Ameen~

one step at a time

i am supposed to have shower like  2 hours ago but i'm stuck on my bed with my beloved 'bedmates' - my mac..hehe..anyway..as usual, something is bothering me..hm..

it has been 2 weeks for this new year..2 weeks since i attended Home Sweet Home..2 weeks since i turned 25..huhu..anyway, things like this dont happen often but alhamdulillah through the course i have better understanding and trying to change myself..not much..one step at a time..its a very very small change but i hope i could keep it up and do more changes in d future..:) but somehow making changes in your life could mean you'll lose some things u think it was important for you..like what i'm feeling right now..i'm having doubts and felt a little distance but i believe if it was the best for me, Allah would not let me fell into such misery as He knows best..it's not easy, yes, not at all easy..but i have to keep reminding myself i need to put full trust in Allah..i know i'm still doing procrastination, haha, but i'll improve slowly :P

anyway, the past 2 weeks had been good. i have mixed feelings..sometimes i feel happy, a little stressed out then happy again, then confused then sometimes feeling nervous and having palpitations..then i'm happy again..but i have worries..worrying i would make any mistakes that could harm others and at the same time trying to let myself enjoying my work..also worrying about creating fitnah towards myself or being insincere in my work..have to remind myself of my intentions of going to work everyday..

next week gonna be a tough week..2 days working over weekend..dun worry..let's purify our intentions everyday, may we feel the joy of it..Ameen :)

-oh..and i'm touched when there was one person dat noticed a very small small change i made on my appearane..hehe-

a new year

alhamdulillah i'm writing my first entry of year 2012..haha, very funny, first entry of awal muharram xde pun kan..it's okay, i will try to improve slowly..

again, alhamdulillah Allah has given me opportunity to attend my 2nd Al-Kauthar course. the sad thing is i couldn't complete the 2nd day lectures because i was working night shift. i cant simply take leave because there was not enough people..especially around holiday time, i expect it to be a busy night.. but last night was okay..at least not much of drink & drive cases..only one patient came in like that but at least it was not polytrauma case..my last day in resus..tomorrow i'll be starting my rotation alone, but i hope Allah will always protect me from causing harm to anyone, amiin~

anyway, regarding the course, it has actually help me to strengthen my belief and give me confident to do the right thing. as all of us already aware, doing the unlawful thing is easy & doing the lawful things usually difficult. but with this very little knowledge i had, i'll try my best to keep it in mind and always remind myself to live my life for the Hereafter, not dunia..but of course, it won't be easy and i'm still lacking in so much thingsssss..please ya Allah, please dun ever take Your blessings away from me :)

surprise surprise

tik tok tik tok..only a few minutes left while i'm writing this entry..anyway, i have to write this before i go to sleep, or else it would be meaningless if i write about this later..hehe

thank you so much guys!hehe..i'm totally speechless, and of course surprised! didn't expect this at all..totally clueless..well, what happened? hmmmm..:)

*flashback*

i was totally doing nothing around 8 pm..i was rolling on d carpet while watching KBS song festival..was hoping to see 2PM performed but i guess they won't appear so soon..then i was watching 'Take Me Out', definitely my first time watching the show, while thinking hm, do i have to appear on TV show later if i still can't find my partner in the future? haha..definitely won't do that! then suddenly i feel like checking my phone and there was a sms from fiza..she said she was down and asked me out for a drink..i rarely go out at night, especially if i am at home, so i immediately ask my parents permission..haha, so much for a 'counselling session'..while waiting for her i was thinking what could be the problem..but when i went out from my doorstep i was totally surprised by a birthday song in front of my house..i saw sarah holding a birthday cake with the candles then arifah appears..i was speechless..they came all the way from Klang..huhu..definitely clueless and didnt expect this kind of birthday surprise..that was so sweet..really :) *sob sob* and the birthday card..hehe..really really thankful, even though 'happy birthday' becomes 'bogoshipda' in korean..hehe..i won't ever forget this moment ..coz i keep it safe in this entry :)

suddenly i remembered 6 years ago when Yan, Zai and Aida (my rumate in matrix) did the same birthday surprise to me..actually i was more surprised to see the guest..hahaha..they invited 'my crush' to celebrate my birthday...hahaha..seriously unexpected and now i feel funny thinking how did i had crush on that person, keke...;P

anyway, i better sleep now..have to prepare for the course tomorrow..i hope the course will enlighten  me with new knowledge..and i'll try my best to share with others..nite XOXO :)

oh..and i'm expecting a lot of birthday wishes :P thank you all for the wishes..thank you Allah for giving me a chance to still live until today :)

closing time...~~

today is my last day of being 24..haha..so sentimental..anyway, i'm post night off and tomorrow i'm on leave..who would want to be working and feeling tired on your big day? hehe..

so much things happened for this whole week. i had my 2nd rotation in resus zone..my 1st time was ok, i was learning to be familiar with things. this time i learned more..and a lot..i even had to do a procedure on my own..i was so nervous and worried if i caused complication to my patient..and i'm curious to his real diagnosis so i will follow up on him, huhu..anyway, things are so unpredictable..i would say anything is really possible.. like a patient who came in with MI and completed strep, right before he was transferred out i saw him alive only a few hours later to hear that the patient collapsed and died in ward..i was shocked..

all of these things that i gone through will remind me that medicine is an interesting field, just in case i might feel like giving up later, who knows..haha..when i first started my years in school, people will always ask why i chose this field. i dont even know why..no inspiring stories or particular reason for it..but after going through clinical years i realized i was able to meet people from different walk of life..and after working i met more people..not just patients but also those who had worked with me..it's interesting..and my close relatives keep remind me to always have good intentions while working~

i am really feeling sentimental out of a sudden. hehe. anyway, it's the last day so it was really a closing time..for everything that i didnt achieve for this year..i would like to put on hold on certain things, and try to concentrate more on working for now..soooo many thingss i wanna doooo...and sooooo many things i want to improve myself...not just in work, but in all my aspects in life..lately i've always remind me about a lecture i listened a while ago..it was something like 'what would you do if one day Prophet s.a.w knocks on your door?'..what would i do? surely i havent done enough..so let's work hard for the new days aheadd..:)

curseday

haha..the title already showed i had a bad day..yes..even from the moment i woke up from sleep everything went wrong..woke up late and missed my sahur..huh..arrived at workplace by 7 am got new case came for clerking already..hmm..starting from 12 pm patient just dun stop coming in..a lot of orders not carried out,everything pending..haih~the worst thing is nothing made my day..not even a simple greeting or smile..i tried to cry but my tear glands are not working, ergh..hee, so dramatic~


oh and i forgot to bring back my book again!! i wonder what will happen to it..tawakkal je la~

anyway what makes my day even worst was..i gained 1 kg over a day! i was supposed to be fasting and working non stop whole day but i gained weight..huwaaa..>_<

this kind of feelings remind me of my previous thursday am shift..feel like i'm back to square one..

just do some workout and stop whining!

aigoo~~

annoying & irritating

i should be studying or reading something since i got free time but i don't know why i can't concentrate..so i'm spilling my thoughts here, as usual..

anyway, the past few days had been okay..some things happened that made me feel good and it gives me good motivation to work harder( fighting2!)..but some things just irritates me, like a drunken fella who had an accident and difficult to access his GCS..egh..why do people drink?! oh, and some people can't respect others by blowing their smoke directly to my directions like...eghh..please la.dun dragged other people in if you're harming yourself. so annoying..and some people took my book (with my name on it) that i accidentally left on a desk and returned it back 2 days later thinking i wouldnt find out about it..it was right in front of my eyes, so obvious yet dun have a courtesy to at least inform me that you took my book to photocopy it..yahh!!~ hmmphh~

today my friend and I were discussing about our so-called 'Dream Team'..haha..from our fave specialist to MO to AMO to SN/JM and PPK..hahaha..berangan je lebih..not that we have anyone as our favorite in particular..but thinking about it made me laugh so bad..hehe..funny funny..at least this kind of things made forget about the unhappy feelings i had haha :P

just a few days left before this year gonna end..again, its time for me to start counting days ^^